I admit I am fully, completely extroverted. Gregarious. Yes, I get a little bit tired when I am around people all the time. But this fatigue passes pretty darn fast. Why? Because I LOVE PEOPLE!! Which leaves me in this bizarre situation of being isolated in the house. For the most part I am alone. I am broken, sore, in pain, feeling just a little bit sorry for myself, and being around people seems to fatigue me. Not being around people: exhausting!
I realize this each time a person stops by, drops off a little feel-good gift, when I go out for an appointment or even receive an email or note from someone I don’t even know. I am elated. Happy. Loved! And then I sit here and feel so very tired. This surgery thing and the resulting fatigue has my personality traits utterly confused.
Which is why when this little-bit-less-better-day kind of day hits me I am not phased. I am used to the bullshit by now. Not being able to understand basic human emotions because they are influenced by this situation that is out of my immediate control. I’ve learned to roll with the emotions; I am ready for anything. Bring on the crap day, I say!
So this shit day, well, it happens. Oh well. This stiff and more inflamed day. Less range of motion day. Irritable day. Boo-hoo on me day. And then the knock at the door beckons and I find a delivery of an abundance of love: flowers, books and a big fake doobie of a joint. It’s a tongue-in-cheeck take on my recent musings with my good friend from Siksika Blackfoot First Nation on the merits of medicinal marijuana, a sort of reflection on my pain-killer ordeal. I laugh so hard I almost blow my hamstring-wihtout-a-tendon. Too funny. My dear friends from Siksika make me feel so loved. And I am grateful.
Pain killer haha….
This day where I improve from the day before when I spontaneously cry, cry, and cry some more; today where I just feel like shit and settle with the crap.
Day by day.
Up and down.
High and low.
This too shall pass…
And then the day where I have my post-op surgery check. Dr. Heard, my knight in surgical armour, is ‘pleased’ with my recovery. My doc gives me confidence and encouragement to GET ON THE BIKE!! I can hardly believe my ears. I don’t fully comprehend that ‘getting on the bike’ means sitting on the thing and basically trying to turn the pedals over, at a VERY SLOW revolution per minute, but whatever…I’m on the bike and how good is life ON THE BIKE!!!
I leave the hospital on crutches but with a firm commitment to getting more mobile. I go and get a massage from a lady who has just blown her knee out and is in a leg brace (how bad do I feel!! but still want the massage!!!), I buy a way-too-expensive EMS unit to ‘get my VMO firing’ like the doc said. I spend all this money because I WILL DO ANYTHING TO BE MOBILE AGAIN. I am actually starting to believe I will heal from this surgery.
As a bonus, my day is filled with human interaction. My extroverted self is beaming. My injured self is exhausted.
I ride the bike at approximately 38 RPM and feel like I’ve won the Tour de France after 20 minutes of slow motion pedalling. I’m not even weirded-out that my leg feels like there is blood dripping down it around the incision points when I ride. There is no blood. The leg is fine. But I swear it is sticky and wet…the strange sensations which are a direct result of being carved into through nerves as they heal. I will take it because, again, I am pedalling the bike in the same slow-motion way. Life is so good!
I realize I have become determined to keep the determination to heal going. Because I want to get better, even when it feels like I’m not. Riding. Muscle stim. Elevation. Icing. Physiotherapy exercises. I am crying again and I don’t know why. I roll with the tears like they are my body letting go of the pain. I spend way too much time online and realize again this internet thing is becoming an addiction. But I am desperate to pass the time and go with the internet flow. I’ll deal with this little problem later, I think. I’m injured, after all. Leave me alone!
And then the travel begins…
To be continued….