I’m down to some heavy duty doses of Tylenol to manage the pain. But feel weird. Just feel ‘off’. Which is why even as an athlete I rarely used Ibuprofen. Cut the dose down but then decided ‘fuck it’, and went off completely. Why not? Passing another day, passing time. Getting restless. Passing time. Letting myself sleep as much as possible. Trying to heal. Trying to be present.
To pass the time. The days sitting allow more time to connect to the community on social media I don’t always have the time to sit and respond to. The whole social media thing is bizarre and I’m often left wondering ‘who is this person I just wrote to; who is this person writing to me…’ but then a response comes of gratitude or insight and deep thought, or in my case, some kind of encouragement. I’m grateful for many lovely people who reach out and share, comfort and support others, including me. Letting me feel so not alone sitting and waiting and trying to heal. How many people are stuck in their own version of immobility either through physical or psychological health conditions? Who knows. By my estimate, it’s many. Too many. So the internet, the social media, yes it is bizarre, but it can be kind and helpful, as well.
Sitting, trying, connecting. These poor knees!
And then I read more Thich Nhat Hanh:
We must learn to stop
from time to time,
in order to see clearly.
This is not just a reaction;
it is a way of life.
depends on our ability to stop rushing.
To be greeted with a day of an even ‘little bit more better’ than before is a delight to wake to. It starts with a different feeling. A good feeling. Things are better. The limp a little less. The range of motion a little more. The spirit a little bit elevated. Yesterday’s feeling of my leg muscles atrophying, cramping, ingesting their own muscle fibres which left me doing loops on the crutches in the house to try and get some kind of blood flow are all but gone.
Not a bad view to stare at all day long.
So today’s feeling of a little different, better, more has me going with the flow of the good day vibe. I up the ante of good with a shower- a real shower! Washing the hair and everything kind of shower. No sit-down-don’t-get-the-legs-wet kind of shower. It’s the real thing and I feel so damn good. A call from the psychologist has me feeling even better, getting that positive reinforcement, boosting the moral, encouraging my small efforts.
Which leads me to reading more Thich Nhat Hanh that only boosts the spirits more:
Aimlessness is sometimes called wishlessness
and it is one of the ‘three doors of liberation’.
The idea is that
you do not put something in front of yourself
and run after it,
because everything is already here.
To be continued…